How Sweet it is...

Can you see what makes this move so hard for us? Watching Annie and Ezra play today (a total of seven hours of harmony, connection and fun) while Sara and I sat on a blanket, knitting, chatting and enjoying each other, drives it home how much connection and "family" I have here in Santa Cruz. Annie and Ezra (who lives next door) have known each other since the day Ezra was born and we went to see him, Sara and Rob in the hospital, when Annie was just a tiny eight month old. Chloe (who lives next door on the other side) was Annie's first visitor when we brought her home from the hospital. Of course she was in Tiger's arms because she was a wee five month old. Sara and Tiger have seen me through every aspect of becoming a parent! Annie counts Chloe and Ezra to be her bestest friends ever! And for me it has been a privilege to watch all of these children grow and be a part of their lives in some way. Michael, Talia, Sabine, Kaily, Gabriel, Parker, Azula, now little Zia, Dallas, Wyatt, Natalie, and of course, Corinne, Chloe and Ezra. How sweet my life has been here on May Avenue.

SF Fantasies

Tonight I was poking around in my studio, trying to get an idea of what to keep and what to let go of for our upcoming move, when I found this gouache painting my mom did in '66. I'm not a person who believes in "signs" or "messages", but I did feel comforted and reassured by this little painting. It reminds me of how much my Mom loved the city, and how I love it too!

You know, I was born in Berkeley and have enjoyed San Francisco and the Bay Area all of my life. La La Pat said that she remembers she and Mom taking me over the bridge to the city when I was just a few months old. I've always loved visiting SF and I've actively fantasized about living there, mostly when I was in my teens and twenties. I don't think Bill has any SF fantasies. This worries me... We always thought we would go more rural than more urban. I dread him being unhappy, almost as much as I dread really loving it and having to leave it.

I'm trying to remember all the facts, and I don't have all the details organized in my head but I believe my Maternal Grandmother and Grandfather both lived, met, fell in love and got married in SF, my Great Great Grandmother and Grandfather lived and spent their last days there as well. Pat, can you set me staight...?

Spinning

If you haven't noticed yet, my posting has almost come to a halt due to all the changes going on in our life. This situation has reminded me that in periods of transition I need more time for internal processing, and quiet, private thought. I've tried to post about our process a few times and it felt too personal and tender. So yes, we have made the decision to leave Santa Cruz and move to San Francisco. Our aim at this point is to live as close to Bill's work near Fisherman's Wharf as possible to reduce commuting time, and to retain as much of our "family" lifestyle as we enjoy now. The idea of living in a city, (especially SF!) is very exciting to me and finding the right place feels key. We are looking for a house or flat that has a yard, allows pets, and has a third bedroom or garage that could work as a studio. My head is spinning with lists of "to do's" and "to research" so please know that I welcome any and all comments, suggestions and ideas about the SF Bay Area or moving in general!

for maryann

i melted into tears and felt such a warm and comforting presence all
around me as i read the card you sent today.
thank you for reaching out to me.
it felt so good...

Little Reader

Annie's been lingering in bed in the mornings and reading! She gets so quiet and intent in there that I had to stop and snap some photos of her. She's also been trying to read signs in stores, and asking me to tell her what things on trucks and buildings say. I see that she herself is becoming a reader, just like Bill and I! I can hear her pronouncing things and phonetically spelling them out loud, plus I find a zillion shards of paper around the house with her cryptic words all over them.

Rose Bud

Little Nina came to play today! We tried a few different hats on her from Annie's box of baby clothes. Here's a few pics. What a little dolly she is. A pure delight. So easy! We went for two walks, hung out in the yard, and Annie made a fort for both of them to play in and Nina seemed to love it. They were in there twenty minutes together! I kept checking on them and Nina seemed relaxed and happy in their fortress of pillows, blankets and toys. Annie loves Nina and cares for her so tenderly, showing no jealousy when I hold her, feed her and coo to her. So different from a few years ago when I couldn't even look at another child!
Look at the little lovebirds below...

New Possibilites

I moved this little plant center stage so I could meditate on the tiny and hopeful new shoots vigorously sprouting from a plant that appears almost unchanged for most of the year. I'm certain there are plenty of analogies I could draw from it's current growth and change that pertain to my life, and although I haven't thought of them yet, just looking at it gives me a peaceful feeling.
We had a lovely day of harmonious play and pretending with Maya, surprise visitors, a spontaneous "love party", a night-time bike ride, and an unexpected new possibility looming on the horizon for us to consider. More about that as we get clearer...

My Piece of the Puzzle

I've never employed this strategy during a stressful time before, but I will say it is effective for me now, during this particularly uncertain time, to throw myself (obsess at times) into a very difficult and engrossing puzzle. This puzzle, of Botticelli's "La Primavera" when completed, filled up a whole card table! 1000 tenie tiny pieces put together to showing a complex and fascinating painting. Do I sound like a complete nut?

First Annie and I separated into little bowls all the pieces that fell into categories; edges, dark green, dark green with leaves, dark green with leaves with oranges, etc. Then section by section, and piece by piece, we (mostly me) focused, tried and tried again, then voila, we did it. Only took five days.

As for our lives, job changes, moving, it's all still up in the air, although there have been a few new surprising twists out on the horizon. How am I handling it? Well, I feel pretty disconnected... kinda floating, unmotivated, and funny enough, I'm getting used to feeling that way. So, for now, I'm going very gently, and I just bought two more 1000 piece puzzles.

Little Stars

I took Annie and her dear friend Ezra to see a children's theater production of The Jungle Book yesterday. It was Annie's second time to see this wonderful production. They both loved it!! We got to go back stage afterwards since we knew some of the actors. Pretty exciting! Now Annie's singing the songs, reenacting scenes and all the dialog she remembers. How fun! Then on our walk back home she and Ezra picked flowers and played hide-and-seek. I snapped these few pictures. Can you see how excited they were?

Our Current Life Soundtrack

The piece starts out very cautious and adventurous, moving slowly along, tiptoeing lightly forward without complete confidence. Then it turns hopeful, promising and romantic... sweeping forward with promise and warmth only to quickly shift to serious, even terrified. How does the piece end...

These pictures were taken at my dear friend Cory's house. Annie throws herself completely into her playing when she's there. Bill had never heard her on a full size piano before and when he realized it was her playing, and not one of Cory's older daughters, he got right up and went to watch. When we move, we will definitely get her a full size piano. (Right now she has a child's Spinet.)