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We just attended a wonderful wedding in Washington of Bill's cousin Steven. It was a beautiful affair with bright colors of orange, pink and magenta's. Annie and her cousins had a wonderful time running and playing and rolling down grassy hills in their best clothing. Oh well, so much for the white dress! It was great to see everyone from Bill's family, and to watch Uncle Pete and Aunt Ruth see their son get married to such a wonderful woman. Weddings always move me and this one was no different. I was lightly dewy eyed until I saw the bride dance with her father to Van Morrison's Have I Told You Lately That I Love You. Without warning my throat tightened up and I burst into tears and had to walk away into the forested part of the landscaping. The cake I was eating just stuck like a clod of dirt in my throat. I couldn't believe I was having such a reaction! I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to have had a relationship with my own father as an adult and what it might have felt like to have danced with him to a song like that. I felt so, so overwhelmingly sad. This whole move has left me feeling so rootless. I am grieving and missing my mother terribly as well, and it's been five long years since she's died! I'm feeling sad and confused about my relationship with my brother and sister, and judging myself for not being enough, or more of something. Ugh! I knew I had to get to this place. I've met all of this change in my life with a lot of excitement and good spirit, and now I'm grieving all of the loss and change.
We just attended a wonderful wedding in Washington of Bill's cousin Steven. It was a beautiful affair with bright colors of orange, pink and magenta's. Annie and her cousins had a wonderful time running and playing and rolling down grassy hills in their best clothing. Oh well, so much for the white dress! It was great to see everyone from Bill's family, and to watch Uncle Pete and Aunt Ruth see their son get married to such a wonderful woman. Weddings always move me and this one was no different. I was lightly dewy eyed until I saw the bride dance with her father to Van Morrison's Have I Told You Lately That I Love You. Without warning my throat tightened up and I burst into tears and had to walk away into the forested part of the landscaping. The cake I was eating just stuck like a clod of dirt in my throat. I couldn't believe I was having such a reaction! I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to have had a relationship with my own father as an adult and what it might have felt like to have danced with him to a song like that. I felt so, so overwhelmingly sad. This whole move has left me feeling so rootless. I am grieving and missing my mother terribly as well, and it's been five long years since she's died! I'm feeling sad and confused about my relationship with my brother and sister, and judging myself for not being enough, or more of something. Ugh! I knew I had to get to this place. I've met all of this change in my life with a lot of excitement and good spirit, and now I'm grieving all of the loss and change.
7 comments:
Oh, I know what you mean. It will get better, I promise.
Hi, I found your blog through someone else's blog and lurked for a bit (until now). I understand how you feel though, and felt compelled to share. My father passed away in 1998 when I was 16 and I thought I had dealt with it well enough - until events happen were suddenly I feel like he was cheated- then I find myself overwhelmed with sadness. Not for me but for him. Everyone always says "take it one day at a time", but no one ever says what happens after you take it one day at a time and look up and suddenly 10 years have passed. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your challenge, even though I know sometimes it feels that way. Best wishes to you.
I'd like to share as well. Two years and one month ago my father was taken off of life support and passed away as well. I was the one who had to make that decision, even though I hadn't seen him in 25 years (I'm 32) so I never really knew him. It's hard, and I have been so bitter about it for so long and seeing that dance probably would not have made me cry but I can guarantee you that it would have made me so very, very angry. I'm not going to say it will get better, because it hasn't for me but it is no longer my first thought when I see father's and daughter's together, or hear father/daughter songs, so maybe this will happen for you too. I hope so.
I am sorry for your losses.
I think you have a little angel, and you are creating beautiful memories with her.
I think sadness and anger and happieness live in our bones and cells, and just as we did in the wild, we can stuff these away in order to get on with the day and survive. Music and smells and the most minute things in a day can trigger the door - My little children's book I just wrote makes me cry every time I read it - even though it isn't particularly sad, there is a lot of my feelings about family and my mother in it. I think you and your woung cook/daughter should bake a home made pie, and deliver it to an elderly friend or neighbor, then write me and Pino a letter about it - I'm gathering letters for my Pino's Pies venture.
all we can really do is just be.
we can't convince others to behave a certain way and they can't convince us to do the same.
Oh my dear Patrice, you are so much more than you think your self to be....
strong,courageous, empowered, aware, nurturing,and loving...and you have exposed your tender roots, so to speak, in your move from Santa Cruz and away from your memory attachments here....and that incident at the wedding touched many places in the deep recesses of your being...not just the loss of your Dad and dreams unlived...but also the loss of Annie with the playing of Van's song....that was one of the things we had in common, your mom and me...our love of Van the Man....and in missing someone dear to us time collapses and it is yesterday...all the emotions surface to be loved and healed again...
From what I've learned about grief and loss is that it is like a tree limb that has been cut off and there always exists that "wound"...the tree grows around the wound, but the wound never goes away and it eventually the wound forms the character of the tree...and so it is with us...allow your self to grieve... there is much to let go of...be there with it and tenderly hold it and then allow the Light to shine through the "holes" and fill you with comfort and peace..... and allow the confusion in regards to Francie and Thos..from that confusion a new way of being with them will arise...there is always sadness in letting go of the old and what once served us...but if we did not allow change we would become stagnant and arthritic in our bodies and our minds...
Please know I hold you dear in my heart and and will be here to remind you what a special woman you are, when you forget...
And if it is any comfort...you are not alone in your still grieving the loss of your Mom...to this day we still have "conversations"....
Hugs,
Moriah
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