@#*?!@#*?!

I've been holding out and trying to bite my tongue, until we got the keys to vent about how awful our home buying process has been. It has been horrible. It has sucked.

I've really just about had it.

And according to our agent Angela and loan expert Jeannie, it's nothing we've done or haven't done. All parties agree it's the U.S mortgage crisis that's putting stress on every aspect of the process. We went into this purchase pre-approved but were dropped once escrow got underway because the industry changed, then changed again, then changed back, and all the time the escrow clock was ticking... Securing a loan is very tricky even with perfect credit, a very good income, having cash for 10% down payment plus close to $15,000 for the closing costs. Agggghh! Now we're in the final stretch and still we're being put through the ringer! Are we moving in three weeks or not? Put me out of my misery, please! I have one nerve left and it is very fragile. To help keep calm I've been embroidering some baby booties for the newly arrived baby Isobel in Santa Cruz and packing, packing, packing.

I Think We Might Have Just Bought a House

Let's just say that I always stop at an open house. Even if I know it's not for me or it's too expensive. I just love looking. And dreaming. I've probably looked in over 40 or more houses since moving to Alameda nine months ago. Most of the houses we have wanted (and would fit us and our menagerie) have been frankly, waaay out of our league. And I'm not even talking fancy houses! Most of the houses in our price range have been tear down's or so tiny that we might as well buy a small condo. I guess it's timing that brings us here. The market is allowing us to buy a house that we normally couldn't get.

So here we are. I thought I'd be a lot more excited, nervous, thankful and over-the-moon than I am. It's a little odd. I've wanted it so long.

The house is a circa 1906 Colonial Revival Cottage. Upstairs it has a foyer, living, dining, two bedrooms and a kitchen and bath that need help but that are livable. Downstairs it has two more bedrooms, a full bath, a laundry/storage room and a room that will be Annie's studio/playroom. The backyard has a tree (I really wanted to have a tree!) and we share a driveway and a common wall to the garage with a neighbor. We are "in contract" and escrow starts tomorrow, so now it's up to us. We need to go over the house with an inspector and if all checks out, we move. Soon.

*Blink* Blink*

Coming Back From the Dark Side

I finally feel some lightening from the dark, introspective and lethargic place that I've been traveling through. I really had to push myself to move through each day with some focus and purpose. Of course Annie is a wonderful companion, even through the dark side. On those days where staying in bed and watching TV seemed the best course, she's perfectly willing. Some days our biggest accomplishment was dressing and walking up to the corner store. As a home schooling parent, I see that I pressure myself to be a consistent, upbeat and enthusiastic person. But the reality for me is that sometimes I'm confused, or sad or frustrated and that is how it feels for me to be human! I'm wanting to be honest with Annie and show her that life, as I experience it, is very textured and prismatic. Maybe as she encounters the full spectrum of feelings in her life, especially the challenging parts, she will remember the ebbs and flows of my journey, and trust, maybe even value the times that feel challenging, rather than fear and judge them as I notice that I can do.

That said, one thing that has been really exciting for Annie, and for Bill and I lately, is Kung Fu! Annie watched her friend Johnny in his class and decided to do it too. The staff is fantastic with kids and they teach in Mandarin, so she is right at home! She is now taking it three days a week and would take it everyday if we could swing it. It's so exciting to see her work at something she loves! We've also been venturing out between rain storms to hunt for mushrooms, we're sewing new jammies together (kinda frustrating for me), and we felted a men's Irish sweater and transformed it into a great coat for Annie. I've been taking photo's. I just need to download them and post them now. Ahh! It feels good to be back!

My Girl!

My girl has lost her first front tooth! It feels like such a big deal! I think she looks adorable! She lost the bottom two already but the top one is just so visible. This is just a external sign of so many of the ways she is growing and changing. I'm excited for her and for the coming new year.

We are finally all getting over being sick. Thankfully it was mild for all of us, except for a intense fit of grouchy-ness on my part yesterday morning. I was supposed to fly to LA to celebrate Christmas with LaLa this weekend, and instead I was home sick and then made the mistake of standing in line at the UPS Store to ship a few packages. Nothing went well there. Then Billy wouldn't pick up the phone when I tried to call home, then *POW* I just went crazy. When I got home I was screeching and screaming and blowing my top. I was so frustrated and angry at all the plan changes and with holiday pressure and I just wanted to let everyone know. Annie at one point ran in and said "Pop, just do whatever she wants!"
They dressed and promptly ran for the park and by the time they came home, I felt better and I told them both how sorry I was for yelling, and having a fit. Annie said that she knows that I love her even though I was yelling. I still hate it when I get to that point. And yet, it felt so good to let it all out! If only I could just be heard for my needs when I'm in that place, rather than Bill or Annie hearing blame, criticism or fault. I really want to work on it, so next time I won't slime anyone, and just express myself.

Pot Pies

Now that Bill's away so much more, I am forced to face the fact that he is not going to be able to do the amount of cooking he has enjoyed in the past. Well, we all enjoyed in the past. So, I'm trying to excersise my cooking muscles. Last week I made a big pot of split pea soup and we baked madeline's, and today, Annie and I went into production and made six chicken pot pies. Five individual, and one family-size. I also made nine (!) disks of pie dough for future pies and quiches for eating ourselves and for giving away. I'm excited to try a recipe that LaLa gave me for a savory bread pudding. Next week.

Hello!

Why go through the door when you can come-and-go
through the window?

Annie has been hounding me to get a ladder and put it under the window so she can go into the yard that way, rather than go through the door and down the steps. I've been resisting because it's a good seven or eight feet down! I finally said "yes" today and did it. She's been having a ball all day going in-and-out, and in-and-out! She's showing much care and ability so I'm relaxing about it a bit. Am I nuts?