Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Making Peace?

Grudge Tuesday. Hmmmm. Interesting idea. I read Michelle at Green Kitchen's post for today and although I mainly use my blog for chronicling what I'm enjoying in my life, I thought I'd give a grudge a go-go! So here's mine;
I was alone sewing in my studio on Christmas eve, listening to some acoustic guitar music, happy as a clam, basically in-the-zone of goodness and perfection, when I felt moved to call and wish my sister a Merry Christmas. This is my sister who I've chosen to take a break from speaking to, which has now lasted about a year. (Note:We actually did speak when she called me repeatedly, on my birthday when she yelled, name-called, berated, threatened, blamed, and cried at me until I finally, after a few warnings that I was going to hang up, I hung up. Of course, then she left a few more fun messages on my machine.) I thought "Wow, it's Christmas Eve, and I could make a short call to wish her a Merry Christmas, and cut through some of the negativity that has reigned between us for so long. It might be really meaningful to her after the hard year that she's had." I thought about it for a few minutes...then the urge completely passed. What was I thinking?? Calling her house and putting aside all of the shit that went on this year didn't feel authentic, or self protective at all. What if she became enraged or sarcastic with me and wasn't able to receive my wishes the way I was intending? So I erred on the side of taking care of myself.
It wasn't as easy as I've reported. After the above I had some self-judgemental dialog with myself (stemming from the fact that I really do care for her, and I would love peace and harmony between us) but it didn't last too long. I ended up feeling warmly that I had the urge, and the tender feelings for her, without risking my peaceful holiday.

1 comment:

capello said...

protecting ourselves is necessary, but often very difficult.